He's a real Nowhere Man

May 28

Looking for FDQFP13 merch on their website and

‘More horrifying t-shirt designs coming in 2001!!!!!’

May 27

“im a loser. i fucking hate myself and i want to fucking die right now. i dont care what happens to me in death, just as long as i make the suffering of others to cease”- a text message that was supposed to be sent to my best friend but my phone died before it was sent.

on Thursday i took shrooms and smoked alot of Honey (my name for weed), and it made me realize how fucked up i am to myself and others. I am doing horrible in my classes and even stopped showing up to class. I come up with excuses, ill even use my daughter as a excuse to not show up to class. i am a fucking scumbag loser with nothing to go for. The one person who truly cares about me tries to cheer me up and i know she tries really hard but i am too fucking down on myself to make myself happy. i keep bring myself down. i have nothing to really look forward to once the end of August is up. I do not want to go back to school because i strongly feel like it’s just waisting my time and the money of others. All i do when i reach campus is get high, talk about music with friends, nerd out, and avoid eating.

when i was on shrooms, i went to the empty field lot with some friends and smoked alot of honey and i was starting to trip out. my friend got my cigarette and laid it down on a tree trunk. he had his knife raised high above the cigarette and tried to make the knife hit the cigarette. while i stared at this, i kept thinking to myself that i am the cigarette, and i am ready to die. every time the knife misses, i count it as a attempt of suicide that i tried. by the sixth time the knife went through the cigarette and i imagined myself falling into hell. i was alone. there was no sound. i was trapped with only a spot of light to stand in.

i went back to campus tripping out and one of my friends took me back to the field. she and i smoked more honey and we just sat there as i tried to explain how i see life and how easy it is to just die. i told her how i didnt want to live at that moment and she kept saying that i should live because i have a dutie as a father, a son, a brother, a musician, and as a artist to keep living.

I left my friend in the woods, i found a pack of cigarettes on the ground and sat down in the field while i smoked. i kept thinking that each cigarette is a reason for me to die. i layed down and watched the clouds move. i turned over and threw up. i got up and continued walking to school while smoking my cigarettes. once i reached school (again), i was going to walk to my Religion class but got distracted by some friends skating around.

i eventually went home and kept everyone worried about me. i dont know why.

i dont know why people even bother with me. i dont see why anyone bothers with me when im always fucked up to them, i am fucked up to anyone that is close to me.

i need to fucking stop.